Jill

Big Fishes' Carnival at The Lake - Jill

Have you ever encountered a couple so matching that you think they’re made for each other?

It was so goddamn obvious that Jill had a huge crush on Jack from the first time they met each other, however hard she tried to deny that. It seemed that she tried to play it cool, tried to act like Jack didn’t bother her one bit, but her flushed face and stuttered words failed her. Honestly, she’s cute when this happens, so as her best friend, I could say that I’m glad she met Jack.

As time pass by, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that they’ve fallen for each other. Jack isn’t the cool guy that plays smooth with girls, so their blushing at each other is really an enjoyable sight. Their feelings are so innocent I couldn’t help but cheer for them.

Nobody ever realise that I’m also in love.

“Hill?”

Whenever she called me like this, it must be about Jack. They don’t have the usual couple problems like suspicion of cheating: most of the time it was just unfortunate misunderstandings. Their problems are so cute I wanted to chop Jill’s head once when she almost cried when Jack shortened his usual ‘good night’ message to  simply ‘nite~’. Even as a fellow female, I didn’t understand her sometimes. But a truth remains clear: she love Jack. She truly does.

And it wasn’t easy for me. It wasn’t meant to be.

“What are you doing?”

Apparently, I was thinking about it the whole time I don’t even realize what I just did; or didn’t. I lied there, eyes fixed on the bright lamp sticking closely to the wooden ceilings. My mentor’s angry expression didn’t register to me until he forced me to do push-ups (which is too much for a normal girl, honestly). I wasn’t in the mood for Judo. I wasn’t in the mood for anything, actually.

Then I noticed that person sitting on a bench waiting for me. That person whose eyes are always gentle when comforting me, that person whose words would calm my hearts in seconds even after the deepest of fear, that person who has found true love but still came to me; how am I supposed to prevent myself from falling in love?

Two loving hands surrounding me. A slap in the cheek, and I ran away.

As I ran through the busy city, vision blurred as tear eventually ran down my face, I realized that I can’t stay like this without falling in love. But Jack loves Jill and Jill loves Jack. That hard fact doesn’t change and doesn’t need to change. Thus, I can’t love. I reached to a conclusion that it’s better for all – for Jack, for Jill and for my sanity – that I start to hate so that I won’t fall deeper in love.

I don’t speak. I don’t help. Most of the time I just shoot a hateful gaze. Whenever that person called me ‘Hill’, I will stop whatever I’m doing and walk away, coldly. That person keep insisting on trying to talk, and I kept insisting on not doing that person such favor. Until one day, I walked away and Jill caught my hand.

“What’s going on, Hill? I don’t understand anything.”

“Apparently, you not knowing makes it more complicated – for better or for worse.”

“Is it about Jack?”

Oh please, not the tears.

“Just go away!”

I threw her hand from mine violently, and after a hiss I couldn’t believe I made, I walked away. Walked through the night, then running, then dashing, then slamming the door. In the room that has yet to have its lights on, nobody can see me crying on the corner. It was painful, okay? Nobody wanted to shout at a best friend like I just did, and I felt horrible. But I know that I do this to kill my feelings. I know I do this for them. I have chosen to engulf myself in hatred.

Jack, are you holding her closely to you now? Are you protecting her from the cold of the night and the cold of my words right now? Are you going to save her from what I’ve done?

Hatred wasn’t the best feeling to engulf someone with. I began to hate studies, my friends, my family, and many other things. I even began to hate myself. And I began failing in life. I didn’t even pass the test that I used to score well before. A debate about apple pie turned violent and ended in me running away from home. Most of the time I released the concocted hatred when slamming someone to the ground; and it doesn’t do my Judo grade good. But Jack is with Jill. I have no regrets.

The school’s rooftop is a beautiful place, with such a scenery that I wonder why they forbid students from coming. As the sun tried to set and the seagulls echoed the song of its kind, I stood on the edge, seeing no point in continuing the life of hatred. I was alone, and I was meant to be. If only I didn’t meet that person in the first place..

“Hill!”

Someone grabbed my collar and dragged me from the other side I would like to visit. I turned and punched him, and Jack fell to his knees instantly. As expected, Jill was behind him, and seeing what I have done, she must’ve ran to Jack asking if he’s okay. But no; she just stood there, tears flowing from her deep blue eyes like a river flowing into the sea. It took her a while to ask such a simple question.

“Wh-why?”

I didn’t answer. I know I shouldn’t. But, at that very moment, I knew Jill cared about me more than anything in the world. And at that point of time, I really wish we could talk to each other, discuss the issues and figure something out, so that it wouldn’t end this way. We used to have that kind of relationship.

“I.. can’t answer that..”

“Is it about Jack!? Is it!?”

I really wished that I didn’t show her my face, because I know full well that her tears would eventually pull out mine. How stupid she is – she still didn’t understand the situation. I was on the verge of the death I chose, and there was one last thing I wanted to do before I die. When I thought about it, it felt really foolish.

“I.. love you, Jill.”

Her eyes widened in shock. My body shifted.

“I love you, Jill, and I know I shouldn’t..”

Another step backward. She still couldn’t believe what I’m saying.

“I had loved you.. for a long time now..”

A forbidden love. A gate to hell.

“And if you could be happy with Jack, that’s enough for me..”

The next moment I could see nothing but the first star of the night. Staring at the darkening sky that somehow pulls away from me, I pondered over how I could no longer see Jill, how I could no longer be there when Jack did something stupid, how I could live my life if only this feelings weren’t here. I wondered how the story of Jack and Jill will go, and that story will be the one spreading across the continent. Then everything turned pitch-black, for me and me alone.